As you can see, I'm only writing when I have time which isn't much. I've felt that I've had to let go of a lot of things that I often felt were important to me because I've been feeling so overwhelmed lately. I really thought being a teacher and babysitting for ALL those years would help when it was finally my time to raise a child but the truth is.... yes and no. The thing is with my past life style and priorities, I could walk away from my job, leave problems at home/or work or hand someone's house keys back when they returned from a vacation. I could even move into a new house and have it all done within three days. Now, my job never ends, I'm up at least an hour during the middle of the night because someone constantly needs me. Which is fine but when one is used to having alone time; having someone crawl up between your legs while you're trying to pee makes you realize you will never be alone. Now please before you start judging and saying "what a horrible mother she is, she doesn't want to be with her child", that is not what I am saying. What I am saying is working outside of the home and working inside the home are two completely different things. I know some people have no problem with the transition or even doing both, and everything is smooth sailing for them but then there are people, like me, who never minded being alone, that being a parent can be frustrating. There is always laundry to do, cleaning to do, and diapers that need changing, food that needs to be prepared and that's just for one small person, I'm not even talking about doing stuff for my husband or me.
N comes home late from work and is often tired. My thoughts that all of us would enjoy a family day here and there, no matter how silly that may sound, have gone out the window with his schedule. I know someday we'll find the time but for now....
Plus, I am trying to help bring in a little money here and there by selling clothes and starting an art business. Yes, with all that, one would be tired and I'm sure you're saying, well give up doing the artwork. But just wait, let me finish :)...
As I said, I've had to let go of somethings. So it's been the cleaning and organizing (though I did get the garage done, will show pictures soon). I remember babysitting for families and always wondering why things weren't picked up. Like any good babysitter, I would put away some things after the kids went to bed but now, being on the other side, I know why. There isn't enough time in the day and when it comes to spending time with your kids cleaning a house is usually at the bottom of the list. My kitchen is usually the cleanest room in the house (with the help of JDQ sweeping us crumbs as he crawls around on the floor). In other rooms.... that's another story. I have dust bunnies which jump up and run away as you walk in. A layer of dust can be found on all the furniture that I thought our black media center was gray; not to mention spit up stains on various furniture pieces and rugs. And as usual I have piles of paper everywhere (uhmmm, I guess somethings never change).
The reason I'm writing this is because of another blogger's article that I read today (click here to read it). I felt such relief after I read this. I know she is not the only one to post something like this. I know there are other mothers out there who feel the same way but for some reason, it was her article that really made me feel good about myself. So good, that JDQ and I went for a long walk, something that he loves to do. He often goes over to his stroller, that sits in our dining room gathering dust, jumping by it and "ooo-ing" that he wants to use it. He and I even played outside (yay!) for a bit which he also loves. I even sat down to play with him in his light box that I made for him. I know that I'm doing a good job because his face lights up when I come into a room and he can share "his" apple, his binky or a toy with someone. He'll even come give me a kiss when I pretend to cry or really cry. He knows how to signal which book he would like to listen to before nap or bedtime and he is curious about everything, putting his hand up (every now and then) to ask "what is this or what is going on."
Though I may not always be put together or I may wear the same 4 outfits day after day and can get dressed in 10 minutes with even some make up on. I know that all the other stuff is water under the bridge. Hurray to all the other stay at home Mums!! I hope this helps some of you also feel a little less overwhelmed we are not alone.
(for those of you wondering, yes, my family helps out a tremendous amount and I owe them a lot of thanks. My Mum often cooks for us on the weekends (so much so that I often feel guilty that I can't get it together and help make a meal every now and then) My Dad has come over to do little projects around the house and explains to me how to do things that I'm learning what owning a house entails. It's with their help that I can do these things, it's just that i sometimes get caught up in trying to be June Cleaver that that is when reality hits me and I remember that she was just a TV character, mythical figure and someone who I should not strive to be)